Guest Post: When Plans Don’t Go As Planned

Written by Jerry Moe, National Director of Children’s Programs, Emeritus, Hazelden Betty Ford Center; Advisory Board, National Association for Children of Addiction (NACOA) 

If you’re a parent on the journey of recovery, you’re juggling… a lot. You’re already doing so much to heal and care for yourself, and you’re taking on the task of building or rebuilding trust with your children. 

You already know the benefits of predictable routines: creating structure, consistency, and bonding with your little one. But sometimes, plans or routines can get interrupted. Maybe it’s because of work, a traffic jam, or the weather. When changes happen, children who have already experienced unpredictability at home may be especially thrown off.  In these moments, children may feel confused, worried, or angry. The good news is, when children are feeling this way, there are many ways you can talk to them and help them feel safer, understood, and loved! 

What can parents and caregivers do when plans don’t go as planned?  

• Sit down with children and honestly explain what happened. 

• Encourage children to talk about their big feelings, which might also include some left over feelings from when you were in active addiction.  

• Listen to understand, not to immediately answer. While it might be difficult, try not to rush to fix things. Tell them you understand and validate the feeling. Then, share your feelings using words children can understand, like sad or scared. 

• Create a new plan by explaining what you’re going to do now. Invite children to make choices about your new plan — will it be spaghetti or grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner? Give them choices for the fun stuff, too! 

• Finally, take a moment to just play with your child. You might get down on the floor and play some music. Or you might draw, read a favorite book, cuddle, or make a “secret hideaway” with pillows and blankets. What matters most is that they have your undivided attention. 

• Before the moment passes, take a few extra minutes. You can explain to your children that you’re sorry about the change of plans and that you’ll always listen when they have feelings to share. Remind them that you’re working on getting better each day with the help of safe people. Look at the calendar together and review your upcoming special times. 

Most of all, let your children know how much you love them. In recovery, love is spelled T-I-M-E. Make the time. Take the time. Create simple yet magical memories. You got this!